Thank you so much for responding, bodhigirl. Even one person caring helps! I know I did get a personal email reply long ago, but could not find it again as I didn’t recall what name or subject line it came in under!
In any case, these overlapping spectrums ARE impossible to figure out on one’s own, and no, I have not found any support network, either. I do have a couple of books on dealing with Asperger’s & the like, plus 2 other related ones suggested by that diagnosing Dr. (The 5 Love Languages & When Sorry Isn’t Enough), but it has proved fruitless reading them mainly by myself, since we were supposed to read them together, and he refuses to remember how to use the info, regardless! He ‘reads’ (skims) a few chapters, but “stonewalls” about whatever he does read, hence ZERO discussion takes place, so no chance of mending rifts or addressing concerns. It has now also been over 3 yrs since I discovered he’d been both using porn in secret for years (because he won’t TALK about issues as they arise, so acts out instead, like a 5 yr old) and also had secretive personal correspondence with and undisclosed lunches or after-work meet-ups with a female colleague, also lasting several years. Of course, this was all “just an ego thing,” NOT infidelity, in HIS (justifying) opinion. So I’ve also spent countless hours researching infidelity help as well…another thing he’s “not interested in” getting help with.
It has all been way too much to deal with virtually every day since, and I thus became seriously ill, chronically depressed, and utterly exhausted by all the failed efforts to get him to take all this seriously and WAKE UP to what he’s done to me & us by his betrayals and abusive behaviours. He even claims what he does/says is NOT abusive, despite knowing full well how knowledgeable I happen to be about such things. We had tried a cutting edge, vagus nerve-based intro program to try and change his brain from the INSIDE OUT, and I actually believed it had helped somewhat, but he wasn’t “interested” in pursuing the individualized programs offered. He’s just not “getting” that what little he’s done on his own is nowhere NEAR enough, and I think he’d rather bust up our decades-long marriage than do actual WORK to save it. So I have a feeling I will never be valued ENOUGH for him to take any meaningful action. Despite NOT being a totally full-blown Narc, he remains such a massive “project” and I’m so worn out now, I spend most of my days crying silently inside or raging into the air when by myself.