Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking different languages—even though you’re
both speaking English? Communication challenges in neurodiverse relationships aren’t about one per‐
son being right and the other being wrong. They’re about fundamentally different ways of processing
and exchanging information.
Key insight: Neither communication style is wrong—they’re just different.
Example:
Partner 1: “I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m managing all the household tasks alone.”
Partner 2: “What I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed by the household responsibilities and like you don’t have enough help. Is that right?”
Partner 1: “Yes, exactly.”
Before important discussions, check:
For complex or emotional topics:
When conversations get heated:
Instead: State needs explicitly: “I need reassurance right now” or “I need space to process”
Instead: Ask: “What are your thoughts on this?” or “Do you need more time to think?”
Instead: Schedule discussions when both partners are regulated
Expecting your partner to change their communication style completely
Instead: Meet in the middle—both partners adapt
Say what you mean directly, clearly, and specifically.
Examples:
Implicit: “It’s cold in here.” [Meaning: Please close the window]
Explicit: “I’m cold. Would you please close the window?”
Implicit: “The trash is really full.”
Explicit: “The trash is full. Would you please take it out now or after dinner?”
Implicit: [Sighs heavily, looks sad]
Explicit: “I’m feeling sad right now about something that happened at work. I need to talk about it. Do you have 15 minutes?”
Use the phrase: “What I’m hearing is… Is that right?”
This technique:
Many people with ASD need time to process information, especially emotional information.
Strategy:
ASD partner: “I need a minute to think about what you said.”
NT partner: [Waits quietly without interpreting silence as rejection]
ASD partner: [Takes time to process, then responds]
Important: Silence is not rejection. Silence is processing.
Communication happens best when both people are regulated and the environment supports conversation.
Before important discussions:
Blame: “You never help around the house!”
Better: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m managing most of the household tasks. I need us to divide responsibilities more evenly.”
The second version:
Either partner can call a timeout:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 15-minute break and come back to this?”
Critical rule: Set a specific time to resume. Don’t leave the conversation hanging.
Sometimes writing works better than talking:
Benefits:
The Repair
Misunderstandings will happen. The repair is what matters.
When things go wrong:
Communication is a skill, not an innate talent. Both partners need to practice:
You won’t get it right every time. That’s okay. What matters is that you keep trying, keep learning, and
keep building communication bridges.
Remember: Every conversation is practice. Every misunderstanding that gets repaired is progress.
Complete this reflection:
Sit down with your partner and agree on:
Write this down and post it somewhere visible.
Choose 3 conversations this week to practice:
List 3 situations where communication typically breaks down:
Share your list with your partner.
Reflect on how these differences show up in your relationship.
Which pillar do you think will be most helpful for your relationship?
Think about a recent conversation where this could have helped.
Consider what environmental factors affect your conversations.
Discuss with your partner: What would be a good signal for calling a pause?
Think of a recent miscommunication with your partner:
What’s one communication bridge you’ll build this week?
Next Lesson: Navigating Sensory and Emotional Differences