All couples fight—that’s not the problem. The problem is when neurodiverse couples fight about the same things in the same ways, over and over, without resolution. Understanding conflict patterns and learning effective repair strategies is essential.
ASD partner hears: Literal words spoken
NT partner means: Words plus emotional subtext, tone, and implied meaning
Result: “But that’s not what you said!” vs. “That’s obviously what I meant!”
Example:
During conflict:
Result: ASD partner may shut down or have meltdown, which NT partner interprets as not caring,
avoiding the issue, being cold, or refusing to engage.
Reality: Neurological overwhelm, not emotional withdrawal.
Many ASD individuals mask (camouflage) their needs and discomfort. In relationships, this means:
Eventually: The mask cracks, often explosively, and the NT partner is blindsided.
1. Communication breakdowns – Literal vs. implied meaning
2. Unmet expectations – Often unspoken
3. Sensory and routine disruptions – Needs not honored
4. Different social needs – Alone time vs. together time
5. Feeling unheard or invalidated – Not feeling understood
6. Accumulated resentments – Issues never fully resolved
7. Executive function challenges – Task management, time management
8. Physical intimacy mismatches – Different desires and needs
Researcher John Gottman identified four destructive conflict patterns:
What it is: Attacking partner’s character, not addressing specific behavior
Looks like: “You always…” “You never…” “What’s wrong with you?”
Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
Example: “I feel hurt when plans change without notice. I need advance warning when possible.”
What it is: Making excuses, counter-attacking, playing the victim
Looks like: “It’s not my fault…” “Well, you…” “I didn’t do anything wrong”
Antidote: Take Responsibility
Example: “You’re right, I should have told you about the change. I’m sorry.”
What it is: Treating partner with disrespect, superiority, mockery
Looks like: Sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, mocking
Antidote: Build Culture of Appreciation
Example: Daily appreciation practice
What it is: Withdrawing, shutting down, refusing to engage
Important distinction: Stonewalling (behavioral choice) vs. Shutdown (neurological response)
Antidote: Self-Soothing and Physiological Calming
How it works:
Why it works:
Format: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z”
Why it works:
Examples:
A structured format for discussing conflicts after emotions have calmed:
1. Set the Stage
2. Each Person Shares Perspective
3. Reflect Back – “What I heard you say is…”
4. Identify the Disconnect
5. Take Responsibility
6. Make Agreements
7. Repair and Reconnect
For particularly difficult topics:
When to use:
After any conflict (even minor), use this five-step ritual:
1. Acknowledge the rupture
2. Express regret
3. Take responsibility
4. Commit
5. Reconnect
Practice this even after minor conflicts to build the habit.
During Meltdown or Shutdown:
After Recovery:
Characteristics:
Outcome: Stronger understanding, resolved issues, increased trust
Characteristics:
Outcome: Damage to relationship, unresolved issues, increased resentment
Review past conflicts and identify:
Agree on:
Write this down and post it visibly.
Individual: Write XYZ statements for 3 recurring issues
Together: Share your statements
For ASD partner:
For NT partner:
Create your five-step ritual:
Practice this after a minor conflict this week.
Agree on:
Choose a past unresolved issue (not too emotionally charged) and use the Repair Conversation structure:
Debrief afterward:
1. What are three common sources of conflict in neurodiverse relationships?
Think about which ones are most relevant to your relationship.
2. Explain the difference between shutdown and stonewalling
Why is this distinction important?
3. What are the Four Horsemen, and what are their antidotes?
Which Horseman appears most in your conflicts?
4. How does the XYZ formula help reduce defensiveness?
Practice transforming a criticism into an XYZ statement.
5. What are the seven steps of the Repair Conversation?
Which step will be most challenging for you?
6. Why is the Conflict Pause Protocol important, and what should it include?
Design your protocol with specific details.
7. How should partners respond when meltdown or shutdown occurs during conflict?
What will you do differently based on this understanding?
8. What’s the difference between destructive and productive conflict?
Reflect on your recent conflicts—which type were they?
9. Why might an ASD partner seem to “overreact” to a small issue?
Consider the masking and accumulated stress factors.
10. What are the five steps of the Repair Ritual?
How will you remember to use this after conflicts?
Next Lesson: Creating Your Relationship Success Plan