Navigating Sensory and Emotional Differences

Understanding Sensory and Emotional Worlds

Why does the sound of chewing make you want to leave the room? Or why does your partner need
complete silence when you’re fine with background noise? These aren’t preferences—they’re neurological differences in sensory processing that profoundly affect daily life and relationships.

 

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The Eight Sensory Systems

Most people learn about five senses, but there are actually eight sensory systems:

1. Visual: Light, colors, patterns, movement
2. Auditory: Sounds, volume, pitch, multiple sound sources
3. Tactile: Touch, textures, temperature, pressure
4. Olfactory: Smells, scents, odors
5. Gustatory: Tastes, food textures, temperatures
6. Vestibular: Balance, spatial orientation, movement
7. Proprioceptive: Body awareness, where your body is in space
8. Interoceptive: Internal body signals (hunger, thirst, need to use bathroom, emotions)

Adults with ASD may experience any of these differently—some more intensely (hypersensitivity),
some less so (hyposensitivity).

 

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Common Sensory Challenges in Daily Life

Auditory Hypersensitivity

• Background noise feels overwhelming (TV, traffic, multiple conversations)
• Certain sounds are physically painful (chewing, tapping, high-pitched noises)
• Difficulty filtering out irrelevant sounds to focus on conversation
• Need for silence to process information or regulate emotions

Visual Hypersensitivity

• Bright lights cause discomfort or headaches
• Fluorescent lighting is particularly draining
• Visual clutter creates anxiety
• Difficulty with eye contact (feels intense or overwhelming)

Tactile Sensitivities

• Certain clothing textures are intolerable
• Light touch is irritating; deep pressure is calming
• Unexpected touch can be startling or distressing
• Tags, seams, or tight clothing cause constant distraction

Olfactory Sensitivities

• Strong perfumes, cleaning products, or food smells trigger nausea or headaches
• Can detect smells others don’t notice
• Certain smells create immediate fight-or-flight response

Interoceptive Differences

• Difficulty recognizing hunger, thirst, or need for bathroom
• Trouble identifying emotions until they’re overwhelming
• May not notice illness or pain until severe
• Challenges with body temperature regulation

 

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The Sensory Overload Cascade

Understanding how overload builds throughout the day:

Morning (Bucket 20% full):

Alarm clock, bright lights, getting dressed, breakfast smells

Commute (Bucket 40% full):

Traffic noise, crowded bus/train, fluorescent lights, multiple conversations

Work/Day Activities (Bucket 70% full):

Open office environment, phone calls, meetings, social interactions, masking

Evening (Bucket 90% full):

Partner wants to talk about their day, TV is on, cooking smells, decisions needed

Overflow (Bucket 100%+):

Small trigger (dropped item, unexpected question) → Meltdown or shutdown

Key Insight for NT Partners

What seems like an overreaction to a small thing is actually the final drop in an already-full bucket.

 

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Meltdowns vs. Shutdowns: What Partners Need to Know

Meltdowns

What it is:

• Intense emotional response (crying, yelling, physical agitation)
• Loss of rational thinking and control
• Not manipulation or tantrum—it’s neurological overwhelm
• Person may say things they don’t mean
• Afterward: exhaustion, shame, need for recovery time

What helps during a meltdown:

• Reduce sensory input (dim lights, lower noise, give space)
• Don’t try to reason or problem-solve in the moment
• Offer comfort only if wanted (ask first or know preferences)
• Stay calm and non-judgmental
• Allow time and space for recovery

Shutdowns

What it is:

• Withdrawal and inability to communicate
• May appear “checked out” or unresponsive
• Difficulty processing language or forming words
• Need to retreat to safe, quiet space
• Can last minutes to hours

What helps during a shutdown:

• Give space without abandoning
• Reduce all demands and stimulation
• Offer written communication option (“Text me if you need anything”)
• Don’t take it personally—it’s not about you
• Allow recovery without pressure to “talk about it” immediately

 

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Alexithymia: The Hidden Challenge

Approximately 50% of adults with ASD experience alexithymia—difficulty identifying and describing emotions.

What This Looks Like

• “I don’t know how I feel” (genuinely unsure, not avoiding)
• Recognizing physical sensations but not connecting them to emotions
• Delayed emotional processing (realizing hours later “I was angry”)
• Difficulty distinguishing between similar emotions (anxiety vs. excitement)

How This Affects Relationships

• NT partner asks “How do you feel?” → ASD partner genuinely doesn’t know
• Emotions may come out as physical symptoms (headache, stomach ache, fatigue)
• May seem emotionally distant when actually just confused
• Needs more time to process and identify feelings

Strategies That Help

• Use emotion wheels or charts for identification
• Practice body scanning: “Where do you feel it in your body?”
• Allow time to process before discussing feelings
• Accept “I don’t know yet” as a valid answer
• Check in later after processing time

 

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Creating Sensory Harmony

Sensory Mapping

Each partner identifies their specific sensory triggers and needs. Be specific: What volume? Which sounds? At what times? What helps?

Compromise Strategies

Separate Spaces:

• Create a quiet room for decompression
• Designate spaces where each person’s sensory needs can be met

Time-Sharing:

• Quiet hours in the morning
• More active/social hours in the afternoon
• Quiet again in the evening

Sensory Accommodations:

• Noise-canceling headphones
• Dimmer switches on all lights
• Weighted blankets
• Sunglasses for indoor use
• Comfortable clothing options at home
• White noise machines
• Separate bedrooms if sleep needs differ

Preventive Strategies

Manage the sensory bucket before it overflows:

• Build in downtime after sensory-heavy activities
• Reduce unnecessary sensory input
• Communicate bucket levels: “I’m at 70% today, I need quiet tonight”
• Plan ahead for overwhelming situations

Recovery Strategies

What helps after overload occurs:

• Know what each person needs (space? darkness? silence? deep pressure?)
• Don’t require immediate processing or discussion
• Allow recovery without judgment or pressure

 

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Action Tasks

Task 1: Personal Sensory Profile (Individual)

Create your sensory map by rating each category (1=no issue, 5=major trigger):

Auditory:

• Background noise: ___
• Specific sounds (list): ___
• Multiple conversations: ___
• Music/TV volume: ___

Visual:

• Bright lights: ___
• Fluorescent lights: ___
• Visual clutter: ___
• Screens/blue light: ___

Tactile:

• Clothing textures: ___
• Unexpected touch: ___
• Temperature: ___
• Physical affection: ___

Olfactory:

• Strong scents: ___
• Food smells: ___
• Cleaning products: ___
• Personal care products: ___

Other:

• Crowds: ___
• Social interaction: ___
• Schedule changes: ___
• Decision-making: ___

What helps you regulate when overwhelmed? (List 3-5 strategies)

Task 2: Sensory Needs Comparison (Together)

Share your sensory profiles with each other. Identify:

1. Areas of conflict: Where do your needs clash?
2. Easy accommodations: What can you easily adjust?
3. Compromise needed: What requires creative solutions?
4. Non-negotiables: What must each person have?

Task 3: Create a Sensory-Friendly Home Plan (Together)

Design your shared space with both needs in mind:

Quiet Zone:

• Where: ___
• Rules: ___
• Available to: ___

Lighting:

• Install dimmers: ___
• Replace fluorescent bulbs: ___
• Individual lamps: ___

Sound Management:

• Quiet hours: ___
• Headphone use: ___
• White noise options: ___

Sensory Tools to Have Available:

• Noise-canceling headphones
• Weighted blanket
• Fidget tools
• Sunglasses for indoor use
• Comfortable clothing options

Task 4: Meltdown/Shutdown Response Plan (Together)

For the ASD partner: When I’m heading toward overload, I will:

• Early warning signs you might notice: ___
• What I need you to do: ___
• What I need you NOT to do: ___
• How I’ll communicate if I can’t speak: ___
• What helps me recover: ___

For the NT partner: When you’re in overload, I will:

• Watch for these signs: ___
• Immediately do: ___
• Avoid doing: ___
• Check in by: ___
• Give you space for: ___

Write this down and keep it accessible for reference during difficult moments.

Task 5: Daily Sensory Check-In (This Week)

Each evening, rate your sensory bucket (0-100%):

• What filled it today?
• What helped empty it?
• What do you need for tomorrow?

Share with your partner to build awareness.

 

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Review Questions

1. What are the eight sensory systems, and how might they be experienced differently in ASD?

Think about which sensory systems affect you or your partner most.

2. Explain the “sensory bucket” metaphor and why it matters for relationships

How does understanding the bucket help you respond differently?

3. What’s the difference between a meltdown and a shutdown?

Have you experienced either in your relationship?

4. How should a partner respond during a meltdown vs. a shutdown?

Review the strategies and identify what would work best for your relationship.

5. What is alexithymia, and how does it impact emotional communication?

Does this concept help explain any communication challenges you’ve experienced?

6. Name three strategies for creating a sensory-friendly home environment

Which strategies would be most helpful for your home?

7. Why might someone with ASD seem to overreact to something small?

Think about a recent situation where the bucket metaphor might explain what happened.

 

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Next Lesson: Managing Expectations and Building Sustainable Routines